Fill the well
Online sex educational tool
Restoring the female heart … and sexual wholeness
This course will reframe your understanding of female sexuality. How are we different? What makes us whole? Where lies our responsibility? Questions like these will help unearth female sexual response and ultimately support its restoration and healing.
Let’s transcend our tendencies towards sexual indifference and/or insatiable sexual hunger into lasting sexual abundance.
Embrace the Difference
However, how exactly are women different?
In what way is feminine sexuality unique?
Societies all over the world are at a loss when it comes to female sexual response.
Furthermore, if you do not identify with one specific gender exclusively and/or have an open sexual orientation, things might even get more complex.
A new benchmark
In reality, feminine sexual response is not that complicated. It’s just really different to masculine sexual response. We often assume the way sexuality is generally understood to be the benchmark for both sexes. This assumption is untrue and gets us only that far.Here we will outline a new understanding of female sexuality.
This emergent new understanding is based on the unique difference from masculine sexual response, self-responsibility, balance (surrender & “domination”, giving & receiving, sweet & wild etc.) and sequence (sweet and mellow precedes wild and orgastic).
The problem is not that there are different needs but that we tend to hush over them.
The Female Sexual Response Pyramid
In the following chapters we will look at each one of these layers individually
When a woman’s nervous system relaxes the communication between her brain and sexual centers is heightened.
If there is only very little communication between them, sex is not really worth her time.
Have you ever noticed before that your sexual experience is deeper and more nourishing when you are in a certain state of relaxation?
Thus we can see why, in order for you to deeply receive sexual love, it is favorable if your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) – or what can also be called the “feed and breed response” – is activated.
“For women, sexual response involves entering an altered state of the consciousness and that is dependent on the activation parasympathetic nervous system.”
- NAOMI WOLF
In this state, your everyday vigilance is turned off and you are more fully able to surrender and let go. The deeper and older parts of your brain become activated (limbic and reptilian brain, governing feelings and physical processes respectively) while your logical brain, the pre-cortex, is slowed down.
This kind of activation allows for the perfect combination of heightened access to deep feelings and decreased caution as well as mental processing.
The activation in the pelvis sends signals for the release of certain hormones. The stronger and more consistent the activation, the bigger the release of the right feel good hormones.
Additionally, if our ANS is activated and we feel deeply relaxed, our logical brain takes a backseat with the effect that women feel more connected to their source/spiritual essence due to less vigilance and more creativity.
What this means is that what women are now realizing and embracing – that our sexuality is intrinsically connected to our spirituality – is actually grounded in our physiology and scientifically backed.
We may allow ourselves to be fully sexually fulfilled with no detriment to our desire to be nourishing, connected and loving with each other. Our spiritual, caring, loving impulses are not in contradiction to our sexual desires but they are complementing each other, i.e. sex is
As we can see in the graph, the right activation of your nervous system is at the very base of the pyramid and thus the most fundamental prerequisite for sexual bliss
“For women, sexual response involves entering an altered state of consciousness…”
HOW TO FIND EASE AND SAFETY
As we all know, there are many factors that contribute to anyone’s sense of safety including, physical safety, our basic needs being met, trust in people around us, etc.
However at the very core of feminine sexual response lies a key. It is always available and in the woman’s own hands:
In order for a woman to feel safe she needs to be able to trust her very own capacity to protect her boundaries.
Her feeling of perceived safety lies to a large extent in her ability to say no, as well as in her willingness to please herself over others.
PNS activation is much more easily accessible when a woman trusts in her ability to make herself feel safe. Her ability to speak her desires and wishes – as well as her firm boundaries – is the very foundation upon which unconditional trust and deep sexual relaxation is built.
She can find deep sexual relaxation not primarily due to her partner, but by creating it herself.
Women’s ability to voice what they love and don’t love is pivotal to creating sexual abundance and balance.
Speaking her boundaries will not only revolutionize her own sexuality but will also have a strong effect on all women’s collective ability to do so – as by creating change for herself, she is paving the way for others to do the same.
The topic of boundaries is going to be touched upon here again and again, as it is so central to finding fulfillment and ease.
BOUNDARIES 101
A boundary can have many faces. It can express a wish and a dislike. You might know before you meet your lover that you have certain desires and wishes. Or you might notice that something doesn’t feel quite right while you are in a sexual or romantic situation, or any other situation, of course.
The source of knowing what you love and what you do not love lies in your body. Your body knows what it likes, at any time. Tune into your body. Learn to distinguish between a body yes and a body no. Your body is incredibly wise.
Find the kind of boundary that feels 100% aligned for you at this moment. If you are unsure about your boundary, err on the cautious side until you can feel a deep yes: say no so many times that you find your true yes.
It is important that your boundaries are firm. If your boundary is not firm, they will get overrun. Be prepared to enforce that boundary in case your partner forgets in the heat of the moment – which can and does happen.
You know what you want, own it.
Now is a good moment to speak about it.
What is real romance, if not, feeling safe to speak your mind any moment knowing that your lover will want to hear your whole truth – and then returning to what you were doing with a deeper sense of connection and trust.
While we established that boundaries are the very foundation for one’s own feeling of safety, there is a lot a partner can contribute to this as well.
If you are reading this as the partner of a woman or female identified human I give some ideas on how to ease her into an open and receptive state in this article here.
Remember, we want to support her system to relax, her logical brain to quieten and her body to awaken.
Sexual energy in female bodies originates in the breast.
With increasing appreciation for them and deepening sensitivity in your breasts they will be your most precious asset.
They deserve your (and your partner’s) full attention, love and care.
Discovering and honoring your breasts is a major way to take responsibility for your femininity and sexual wellbeing. The gain that comes with this kind of self-responsibility is permanent and independent from others.
Why does feminine sexual response originate in the breasts?
In non-binary bodies, as well as in non-heteronormative relationships these two principles of radiating/active (masculine) and absorbing/yielding (feminine) exist in the same way. They ignite, and as we will see, complement each other in the same way, however, the blueprints are more flexible and moveable. Here you will have to listen even more deeply and acutely to your body’s signals at any given moment.
You can see that there are seven main energy centers.
Each center relates to a specific aspect of our lives.
Yes, the vagina is a receptive organ whereas the breast are dynamic energy centers.
The activation of the dynamic female pole – the heart center, including breasts and nipples – creates the flow of energy required to then open the receptive pole – vagina, to a state of readiness for sexual engagement.
1. Not only can women not be fully activated through their vaginas (like men do through their penises) but instead need loving breast stimulation.
Additionally, we also need way more time to open our bodies in order to surrender to deeper sexual states.
In contrast, exclusive stimulation of the clitoris or vagina will build sexual energy as well, however this specific arousal will not directly access her deeper energy flow.
While sexual arousal (exclusive clitoral or vaginal stimulation) activates desire for more personal pleasure, opening through the positive pole additionally activates a strong energetic flow between partners (or in oneself if solo) – your woman is now eager to both give and receive pleasure.
Yes, it is HUGE that women are taking responsibility for their sexual pleasure by claiming their vaginas and all the joys that come with it…
But, by focusing exclusively on the vagina it is possible to keep dwelling in the confines of a quite familiar “sexual activity” that doesn’t nourish our souls deeply.
By turning our focus upwards towards our breasts and improving our relationship with them patiently we may instead drop into a completely new “sexual activation” that can take us WAY beyond.
This journey might take a bit longer, it might be a bit more challenging and elusive at times, however, the pleasure to be found here is VAST
suggestions on what you can do to re-awaken your breasts
Visualize the inside of your breast, their shape, their tissue and fill them with attention, warmth and light. Imagine a big, warm hand protectively wrapped around them… Imagine warm light whirling in them and then radiating out through the nipples… Please make sure to check out the meditation for some inspiration and guidance.
Massage your breasts regularly: first thing in the morning or before you go to bed – preferably both! Invest in a scented oil or facial cream that you love and apply it generously to your breasts and nipples. Work it in with circular movements or massage yourself however you like – the most important thing is to touch the breasts with gentleness and the intention to appreciate.
Find out and tell your partner how you want to be touched. Not every touch is nourishing and he/she needs your feedback. Remember to touch your breast during sexual play – it feels nice for you and it will gently remind your partner to do the same.
Start NOW to make peace with your breasts. From today on, give them as much love as you can and go easy on the nagging. These are the breast you have and they are your most precious sexual asset – not for their looks though, but for their capacity to connect you to sweet sexual flow states. One day I just decided I wasn’t going to criticize my breast anymore. It’s not always easy as they have gone through quite the transformation but I still stick to my decision to be grateful for them no matter what and to treat them like queens.
Morning/Evening Routine (3 min)
When you first get up, grab a bottle of EXPENSIVE oil and apply it to your breasts. Sense into the inside of your breasts, take a couple deep breaths and send gratitude into them. Using precious oils shows that your breasts are important to you and that you cherish and honor them. You can also include this practice in your morning or evening bathroom routine. While you apply facial products, include your breast and send them appreciation and adoration.
Awakening Massage (10 min)
This is recommended on a daily basis especially if you feel numbness and disconnection from your breasts.
It increase your connection and relationship with your breast and reawakens the breast tissue and nerve endings.
Begin by applying your special oil and apply generously on your breast. If you like it slippery, use a little more.
FREESTYLE
Move your hands over your breasts intuitively. Let them gently glide here and there without applying much pressure. Take a deep breath. Slide over your nipples first lightly, then more firmly – try what feels best and enjoy the different sensations.
TAOIST STYLE
cup one breast in one hand each and start massaging your breasts in a circular way. Move your hand all around, leaving out the nipples. First start with moving from the inside upwards, out and down – enjoy 10 circles. Now change the direction: from the outside down towards the inside, out and up. Enjoy 10 circles.
According to taoist wisdom the upward motion is supposed to have a firming effect, the downward motion and enlarging effect. (However, it requires to do the motion at least 100 times per day to really get an effect that way.)
ONE BREAST– TWO HANDS CIRCLES
Change over to the other breast for 3 circles of alternating strokes. Vary pressure and speed.
BETTER UNDERWIRE STROKE
HEART STROKE
RESTING AND SENSING
Female sexual response is highly complex and varied. It varies from moment to moment and also from individual to individual.
Compared to male sexual response we seem quite unreasonable – shouldn’t we be more easy to read, logical, normal?
The answer is NO.
Luckily, science is finally getting on our side to tell us that our longings are reasonable and why. Our feminine sexual desires make sense and have scientifically proven, biological reasons…
Clearly, our sexual preferences are also strongly influenced by our socialization, culture and personality. However, there is one more piece that we would like to shine a light on: Let’s dive into the wonderful world of neural pathways!
Did you know that if and how you like to be sexual, if and how you orgasm is completely dependent on the intricate system of your pelvic nerves.
The pelvic nerve branches out from vertebrae S4 and S5 into a complex and highly individual web of nerve endings inside your pelvis.
Some of these nerves originate in the clitoris, the goddess spot and pelvic floor muscles Some originate in the walls of the vagina, cervix, bladder and anus.
Some are closer to the surface and some are hidden deeper inside. To add to the complexity, each woman has her completely unique pelvic wiring.
And all of these nerve endings connect to your brain. Any impulse, fired down here, travels to your brain and elicits the production of specific hormones (dopamine, opiates and oxytocin) and other neurotransmitters.
The neurotransmitters produced by the right kind of sexual activation bring stability, focus, spiritual openness, feelings of joy and self-esteem.
these preferences may just be due to your physical wiring.”
Naomi Wolf
“Whatever it is that you like and not in bed as a woman, with all that variability, these preferences may just be due to your physical wiring.”
Naomi Wolf
How much of the neural potential do we generally use? How often
do we bask in deep sexual bliss, activating all of our available neural pathways?
If we can tap into the depth of the pelvic neural wiring by daring to
say yes to what we love – which is dierent for every woman – and
thus accessing previously neglected nerve endings – what kind of
women would we be? How much stronger would our superpowers,
our care and commitment, our self-confidence be?
There is quite some research coming out about the neural connection between the genital organs, their neural pathways and how they are connected to the brain – and subsequent emotional and spiritual responses.
While there is no exact consensus on which nerves connect to which part of the pelvis and brain, it is emerging very clearly, that the deeper we delve into our feminine anatomy – quite literally, the deeper our emotional response will be.
In the attempt of unearthing female sexual response a clue seems to be emerging:
Fulfillment and empowerment will be found in the depths of G-spot and cervical activation.
Orgasms, yes, but not only.
There is a spiritual dimension to be conquered.
Our innate wisdom and knowing, our need for safety, gentleness and relaxation – all this lies buried in the miracle of our womb.
embrace sensitivity: gentle, non-forceful touch revives nerve endings while strong stimulation deadens your tissue
embrace sensitivity: gentle, non-forceful touch revives nerve endings while strong stimulation deadens your tissue
That’s it!